by Jamie Wiener, Executive Director

Have you made a deposit into someone’s emotional piggy bank today?

I have failed miserably in (at least) one area of my parenting journey thus far. For those of you who love a reframe, it’s coming, but hear me out. Sleep in my house has been elusive and nonexistent for about 13 years because I didn’t do a great job holding a boundary, and it’s rough.  My daughter came into our bed every night for 5 years until she got wise to the fact that she would sleep better in her room when my son was born and was up every two hours.  Now, eight years later, it takes him about 45 minutes to stay in bed and sleep, and then around 2 am, he crawls into my bed, and I start to feel his bony little knee making its way into my spine.

I share all of this because I am currently working hard to hold this boundary, and my child is noticing.  But not in a positive way. What he is saying to me is not, “I can’t wait to sleep in my bed tonight,” but instead, “Why are we always talking about sleep, Mom? I’m sick of hearing about it! I am trying!” And then it all comes flooding back and I am reminded of a shift I need to make, one that I learned in our Incredible Years® program years ago.  Each of our children has an emotional piggy bank that needs to be filled every day.  Filling the piggy bank can look like listening, praising, encouraging, coaching, empathy, and play. It’s the things you do subtly every day to make your child feel safe, connected, and celebrated. It looks like getting on the floor to play Legos, dolls, or cars with your child and or walking into your teen’s room, sitting on their bed, and just checking in. It is saying things like, “You must feel so proud of yourself for tying your shoes on your own,” or “You’re such a good friend for thinking of how that made Kaya feel.”  When their piggy bank is full, the child is more content and open to hearing about a behavior that needs to change, or a limit that needs to be set. When the piggy bank is full, then you could say things like, “Hitting is not allowed,” or “It’s time to turn off the TV and go to bed.”

Incredible Years® curriculum is an evidence-based early intervention program backed by 40 years of research.  It helps caregivers learn ways to invest in their children by playing with them, teaching them social and emotional skills, and praising and encouraging their child’s efforts. Delivered in small groups, the program strengthens child well-being, promotes social-emotional learning and academic competence. We just wrapped up a session in May and will start a new one for parents of children ages 3-6 this Fall.

I am certainly not a perfect parent, nor do I think one exists, but I am committed to continually learning and shifting when something isn’t working. In Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, she shares that “Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time.” So, I will keep trying to be better for my children and myself and I will acknowledge my blunders and model that these “mistakes” are just teachable moments. I plan to keep lots of loose change to keep filling those piggy banks too.

I will also mute the noise that makes me feel like a failure. I am confident that the bony knees and elbows will stay in their bed eventually, and that if these suitcases under my eyes ever disappear, it will be fleeting because then I will be worrying about my teenage daughter driving or something else. Lastly, the positive reframe for me failing at bedtime, is that my son feels very secure in his attachment to me and he feels very safe when he is with me, which is something to celebrate. 

I feel fortunate that I get to have rich conversations with the brilliant people in my office about ways I can show up for my children and those around me.   If you’re looking for tools and tips, consider this your sign. Call the Children & Family Resource Center and let our team help you navigate the challenging behaviors you may be experiencing. If you would like assistance addressing various parenting challenges, reach out to Becki Woolf at [email protected] to be connected. We can also provide other resources through our programs, such as Circle of Parents and Triple P (Positive Parenting Program). If you need support, our Circle of Parents Support Group offers a safe space to share and feel heard. We will also be starting a Circle of Parents for those parenting teenagers beginning in July on the 2^nd and 4^th Wednesday of the month.  Dinner, childcare, and a separate teen activity will be included, so please check our website for more details: childrenandfamily.org.