by Jamie Wiener, Executive Director
I picked up my child from the car rider line the other day, and my son began to scream at me for being late. Now, I need to acknowledge that pick-up ends at 3:30pm and I tend to roll in at 3:26pm, but I have my commute dialed in, I am not late, he is safe, cared for, and in good hands (thank you, school staff). As he is yelling at me, I want to respond by shouting back and explaining my actions and my job, and that he could go home on the bus… but luckily, I stop myself, take a deep breath, and ask him if he’s hungry and wants a snack. He is. I could hear the familiar scene of the Betty White Snickers commercial playing in my head, reminding me that sometimes people need a little snack—and compassion—to help them through their moments of distress.
What I also hear, once he has calmed down, is that a child was mean to him at school and he didn’t like it. The real reason he was upset was not because I rolled in right before the line closed, but because something else happened at school and he needed to process it with me.
This interaction reminded me of the transformative work undertaken by the Children & Family Resource Center in partnership with Crossnore back in 2020. Their Center for Trauma Resilient Communities played a pivotal role in reshaping our perspective and approach toward our clients and community. Through this collaboration, our team gained invaluable insights into what it means to be a trauma-informed agency. We broadened our understanding of trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), and the concept of resilience, including the intricate ways our bodies respond to these challenging experiences.
As an agency, we are deeply committed to the principle that everyone carries their own struggles and burdens. It’s crucial to recognize that we can never truly know the full story of what someone is experiencing on any given day. One of the most powerful revelations I encountered was the importance of the questions: “What happened to you?” or “What is happening to you?” Whenever children or adults exhibit challenging behaviors, it can be instinctive to ask, “What is wrong with this person?” This often leads to unfair labels like the “bad kid,” the “wild child,” or the “hyper kid.” However, trauma-informed care encourages us to shift our perspective and ask, “What happened to you?”
This approach compels us to consider a range of possible explanations for a child’s behavior. Perhaps the child arrives at school hungry, lacks a stable home environment, is witnessing conflict between parents, did not get enough rest the night before, or is experiencing bullying. In some cases, children may now be in a loving and safe home, but they carry the weight of past experiences involving abuse or neglect. All these factors significantly affect how a child interacts at school, engages with peers, and behaves at home. The big feelings that surface often relate to deeper issues that aren’t visible to the naked eye.
I would be lying if I said that I never look at someone and think, “What in the world?” However, I am actively working on reframing that thought process. Instead of jumping to conclusions, I’m trying to adopt a more trauma-informed lens that shifts my questioning from “What in the world?” to “What in the world happened to you?” While adults may have had more extensive life experiences than children, that often means they carry a complex array of traumas that significantly influence how they interact with the world.
As a parent, I acknowledge that my child grapples with a myriad of feelings and intense emotions. Fortunately, I have learned to take a moment to breathe, actively listen, and explore the underlying causes of his stress. Although my son hasn’t encountered the significant traumas that many others face, he is still highly sensitive. This sensitivity provides me with the opportunity to apply the skills I’ve acquired to check in with him and be present in moments of emotional turmoil.
At the Children & Family Resource Center, we are unwavering in our commitment to create and maintain a trauma-informed environment that fosters understanding and healing. We also prioritize the implementation of trauma-informed practices throughout our agency. Our team has developed training initiatives to share our knowledge with caregivers and educators, allowing us all to enhance our skills in supporting those in our care. These sessions include Trauma 101, ACES, Trauma and the Nervous System, and Resilience. If you or your team would like to explore these topics further or learn more about our resources, we would be delighted to connect with you.
Walt Whitman, the esteemed poet, once said, “Be curious, not judgmental.” It is all too easy to jump to judgments based on a fleeting observation or a brief interaction. However, such judgments can be detrimental. I encourage you to approach others with curiosity and openness, especially when you encounter individuals who appear to be going through difficult times. There is often a complex backstory that shapes their behavior, so extend them the grace and compassion they may desperately need.